Thursday, May 14, 2009

When is Enough Really Enough?

I keep telling myself, "Stop planning, stop thinking you don't have enough to do..."

But I can't help it. I'm whelmed on most days and yesterday I was overwhelmed. Just driving home without feeling the walls around me crash down was difficult. Every red light I had to wait at was torture. I just wanted to crawl into bed and relinquish my control over the my little, busy world.

And then I remembered that I've felt this before. During college. During that time in my life, I experienced several moments where life was just a little too much for me.

So here I am again, spread just a little too thin and ready to make a change in this progression towards collapse.

I realized it a little over a week ago, no matter what is going on with my life I always think I can make room for something else to do.

I keep thinking that I am capable of going to work 45 hours a week, babysitting every other weekend, cleaning my house (regularly), practicing my clarinet, going to the gym 4 times a week, getting enough sleep, socializing with friends (who stay up late!), update my blog and then finding time for myself...much less time for my significant other and I to get 'personal'. This has left me exhausted! Since last week I've decided to start going to the gym in the morning to meet my 'goal'. I'm over tired from getting up that early. I also decided to cut back on caffeine, this whole week I've been a crabby mess. And the really unfortunate part, is that I haven't socialized; I've become a hermit and I think its effecting my socializing skills.

I know there are people that are okay with this kind of 'stress' and constantly having something to do. I honestly do thrive on it, when it isn't too much, but this! This is too much.

It's time to take back the control in my life, I can't allow myself to keep overwhelming my schedule just because I can.

But where do I begin? Honestly, any activities that provide income need to stay. Exercise and socializing need to stay. I need to keep my house clean...Give up my blog?? It doesn't really consume that much time, and I usually post on the fly. I never put a decent amount of research into anything I post(I'm just that smart??). I haven't even managed to find decent time for my clarinet....or my significant other..

oh, woe is me. Maybe it was the caffeine withdrawal and exhaustion. Maybe I'm not really that busy, more like I'm unable to relax when I can.

We'll see how I manage. Right now Saturday is completely open, I think I'll make a start by keeping it that way.

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